At Home, Arlington, Massachusetts
I'm in my office. The only light on is my floor lamp. The rest of the house is dark, except that I know a light is on in Trey's office behind the closed door. Modest Mouse is playing. I can see bright white snowflakes in the light of the streetlamp directly outside my window. It's just the light of the computer, the dim light of the lamp, and the flecks against the black night. And I know everything is ok. And this is when I want to have children. The moments when everything is quiet, but not dead, and there is poetry to be breathed. And I want them to know it and to see it and to experience it.
About the Project
This is a very personal project. It tracks my growth and development as I journeyed toward motherhood over the recent years. It doesn't document every experience I had, and probably neglects my more joyful and peaceful moments in the frenzy of trying to communicate my fears, anxieties, and doubts. If you are a friend or loved one, please do not let anything you read here overshadow what you know of me personally. If you are a stranger, please remember that a living and flawed person stands behind these words. To all my guests here, please understand these are not political statements and try to extend me grace, even as I share my failures and foibles - I have repented of much of what I share. I don't share this journal as an exemplar, but rather out of the desire to share my hope that entrance to motherhood does not need to be a fearful thing - despite the very real fears I have fought against. Motherhood is simply a part of life and one through which I am discovering more of myself and my God.