At Home, East Arlington, Massachusetts
Last night I dreamed I was pregnant. Like all dreams it devolved into oddness and I ended up being only hysterically pregnant. But for a while I was really pregnant in my dream and it was so happy. I could feel the baby in my womb and an emotional fullness filled my dream. This morning, I've been so excited thinking about having a baby.
Amazingly, I found myself wanting to get pregnant more than wanting to get a dog. That may sound odd, but I've been wanting to get a dog for years. I've wanted to get one this summer before trying to have a baby, but I'm proud of myself because this morning I realized that if I'm really thinking about working, and being in school, and having a child, then a dog is way too much to add to the mix. And I was ok with it.
I didn't feel a need to control the situation – having all of the ducks I want before starting a family and lining them up perfectly. The warm emotions of being pregnant in my dream continued throughout the day and having a baby was suddenly so much more important and exciting than making sure my desire to have a dog is first fulfilled. I can get a dog for the kids when they are old enough and I'll still enjoy it just as much. And it'll be awesome to teach my children the joy of canines.
About the Project
This is a very personal project. It tracks my growth and development as I journeyed toward motherhood over the recent years. It doesn't document every experience I had, and probably neglects my more joyful and peaceful moments in the frenzy of trying to communicate my fears, anxieties, and doubts. If you are a friend or loved one, please do not let anything you read here overshadow what you know of me personally. If you are a stranger, please remember that a living and flawed person stands behind these words. To all my guests here, please understand these are not political statements and try to extend me grace, even as I share my failures and foibles - I have repented of much of what I share. I don't share this journal as an exemplar, but rather out of the desire to share my hope that entrance to motherhood does not need to be a fearful thing - despite the very real fears I have fought against. Motherhood is simply a part of life and one through which I am discovering more of myself and my God.