At Home, East Arlington, Massachusetts
I turned thirty years old last August and the reality of trying to become a mother is lurking. I find it almost overwhelming to contemplate trying to become a mother. I don't think the task has ever not seemed daunting to women. But I also feel like it’s particularly overwhelming today and to me. Almost every single aspect of it seems overwhelming.
Trying to get pregnant in my 30s sounds impossible and I feel like all I hear are scare tactics about trying to do so. Every woman seems to raise her eyebrows and look at me with judgment because I've not tried to conceive and birth a child before my 30th year of life. Very few of them have actually verbally judged me. But I hear their condemnation in their silence and I see it in their surprise. They are suspicious of me. Even those who don't react this way, who scoff at the idea of judging a woman for not starting to try to have children until her 30s, even they scare me. All they talk about is how hard it is to get pregnant. And their souls seem overwhelmed.
The truth is, I know very few women who I see experiencing real joy in motherhood. Most of the young mothers I know are either totally overwhelmed with motherhood, or they see it as their salvation. And seeing motherhood as salvific does not produce true joy, but rather a terrifying obsession with motherhood. I want so much to avoid falling into one of these camps or the other. Lord, please help me.
About the Project
This is a very personal project. It tracks my growth and development as I journeyed toward motherhood over the recent years. It doesn't document every experience I had, and probably neglects my more joyful and peaceful moments in the frenzy of trying to communicate my fears, anxieties, and doubts. If you are a friend or loved one, please do not let anything you read here overshadow what you know of me personally. If you are a stranger, please remember that a living and flawed person stands behind these words. To all my guests here, please understand these are not political statements and try to extend me grace, even as I share my failures and foibles - I have repented of much of what I share. I don't share this journal as an exemplar, but rather out of the desire to share my hope that entrance to motherhood does not need to be a fearful thing - despite the very real fears I have fought against. Motherhood is simply a part of life and one through which I am discovering more of myself and my God.