At Home, Cambridge, Massachusetts
 
Life is crazy. We moved into Harvard student housing last week and it was a zoo. By God’s mercy my mom came into town and helped us pack. I seriously don’t think we would have made it without her help. She pretty much got into town and power housed her way through our apartment. The only downside to having her pack was how excessively she tapes boxes. It’s given us a lot of laughter as we unpack.
 
Now that we’re in the new place, I feel both deeply grateful and am dealing with a lot of anxiety. The place is really great, all things considered, and will be great with a kid. It’s much more accessible to campus, there is a washer and dryer, and tons of areas for children to play in – as well as tons of children themselves. Baby V definitely won’t lack for playmates.
 
With that said, though, I’m struggling with my pride, my limitations, my doubts, and my worth in this move. My pride is rearing up because this place is just so small and so unglamorous. While everyone else is buying houses and moving on in the world, we’re choosing to live in cramped student housing. I find myself worrying not about the apartment itself so much as I worry about what other people will think of it and of us in it. I’m facing my limitations because I am working a ton in order to live here rather than a half an hour away, and I feel overwhelmed wondering if it’s really sustainable with a baby. Can I really work as many hours as I’m committed to working in a week and can Trey really get through his PhD excellently with a baby on the way?
 
This is the most I feel doubt about it. I know a lot the emotions involved have to do with the fact that I just moved, the house is still a disaster, and I’m really, really behind on my thesis. But nonetheless, I’m starting to better imagine the realities of adding a baby to our lives and am trying to reckon what I foresee with everything I’ve committed to. Lord, please let this child be a good sleeper! And of course, with it all, as with any time I feel emotionally overwhelmed or stressed, I am really struggling with my self worth and the decisions I’ve made. Am I making the wrong decision by not trying to do a PhD myself right now? Are we insane for continuing with school through our 30s? If I can’t have as much academic success this year as I think I need to be in a good position for applying to programs later was this whole degree a waste? Is all of this pure drivel and instead I should be thinking only and solely of my kids?
 
I just want the answers to life and more often than not, answers are the most difficult thing to find in the world.

At Home, Arlington, Massachusetts
 
Today we had our downs syndrome screening. It was amazing. We'll get our results back in a few days, but the technician said everything looked pretty good. But the ultrasound was incredibly. Absolutely stunning. It was on a huge screen and the little bug was moving around a ton. Like all over the place. We saw the legs, toes, arms, and fingers move around, crossing and uncrossing, waving and touching its face. There was fluid in its stomach, two brain hemispheres, and it liked to flip around a lot. In fact the technician had quite a challenging time getting the baby to do what she wanted it to do. She needed to get it in profile and kept having me cough to prod it into flipping. It would start to flip and then decide it wanted to go back the way it liked. Eventually she got it how she needed it, but it was quite funny. It was so incredibly beautiful. It has the most perfect little nose. Trey seemed quite taken aback by it all. I don't think he realized how much the baby could move at this point or how active it could be. It was pretty fun to watch it all really hit home for him.
 
Thank you, Lord, for a good appointment. Thank you from the bottom of my heart that we have made it this far, that we are safe in our second trimester. You are still growing our baby and we praise you for it.
 
Dr. G replied very kindly to my email today. He was very excited to hear that we are expecting and very much looks forward to our plans for the future. I still have some mourning to do over these life changes, but it is a good kind of mourning and I am thankful for people like Dr. G who know how to give encouraging words in the midst of it.
 
I feel really sick again tonight for some reason. No idea why and quite frustrated, but at least things are generally subsiding. Oh, body, please be my friend.

At Home, Arlington, Massachusetts
 
Oh my goodness. I'm having an emotional meltdown and I'm not even really sure why. I was writing Dr. G an email to tell him that I won't be at the conference and that I won't be applying to grad schools this fall due to being pregnant, and I just started weeping. I'm sure a lot of it is hormones, but a lot of it was just the feeling of cementing the reality that I will not be doing a PhD any time soon. I know if God wants me to do it later in life it will happen, but I just feel so much in my prime right now and it really feels like it's all just going to be wasted. I have so many ideas and so much academic energy and I look ahead to ten years of wasting it all on jobs I’m not sure I like. If I could drop all of my other jobs and we had enough money or free housing or free childcare or something, I would do it. But that is such a pipe dream. We aren't trust-fund babies, and we don't have anyone who believes in our work enough to fund it fully. So we make due. And it's all ok. Really. I just have to mourn it for a while, that's all.

At Home, Arlington, Massachusetts
 
I've been feeling incredibly stressed about my thesis - I just don't even know if it makes sense anymore. And I'm only two weeks into reading primary sources. I made the horrible mistake of starting research on PhD programs in the UK in the middle of my most stressed out part of the day and all of the sudden all of my academic self-doubt and fears about putting a pause on everything to try to start a family came rushing back in.
 
Tonight, though, I was thankfully reminded of how much I need to let go – by Anne of Avonlea of all things. I know it is incredibly silly and probably very superficial, but I need Anne in my life. Trey and I decided to spend the evening listening to an audio book and sew and do a puzzle respectively instead of gooning out to TV all night. Anne is just so optimistic and it challenges my pessimism to the core. She is willing to be content and wait for things to come when it's the right time, and though she is just a child's fictional character, I need what she represents. What I have now is so rich and so good. What it looks like I'll probably have for the next six years is also phenomenally good. God has blessed me abundantly after waiting for this time to come, why do I doubt him in the next stage of waiting? There is joy to be found in doing my current work well – I’ve waited years to be able to do so, so I might as well have fun! It may take years before the next stage in my academic career, but really good things will come in between. I don't need to stress. Maybe I just need to start planning a trip back to PEI for this summer.

At Home, Arlington, Massachusetts
 
I worked a lot on my thesis today. First day working on it! I finished the sections of Ann Judson's memoir I need to read and then got about halfway through Harriet Newell's. I think Harriet is my new hero. There is so much about her that is ridiculous, but only in the most human of ways. I feel like her type of ridiculousness is so much of my ridiculousness - over seriousness about things that do truly matter, but that maybe in the light of eternity could become a little more flippant. It does amaze me though how much studying the saints throughout the broad swath of time my degree covers has shown me the degree to which all people who love the Lord reflect similar traits. They all seem to have very deep longings in life.
 
Studying these women, and studying in general, makes my soul happy. It is hard - truly the work is difficult. But I like it. I feel very open to whatever the Lord has for me. If he gives me children, I excitedly look forward to it. If he withholds children from me, I think there are enough things I believe in doing to give me a full life. 

Gordon-Conwell, South Hamilton, Massachusetts
 
It has been the greatest blessing for me to be back in school. Even if nothing comes of it professionally, it is time well used. This opportunity to study those who have given Christ their hearts, my brothers and sisters throughout the ages, is awakening my soul. I so often feel as if my soul has been in a deep sleep for the past five years and suddenly it's waking up. It's cumbersome and brutish, but my heart is coming alive once more. It's learning to put fear aside.
 
To have a reawakened heart is perhaps the number one thing I need to bravely face motherhood. When I feel God's face shining at me, I am not so afraid to give away my life for the sake of others.

At Home, Arlington, Massachusetts
 
This is the year of transition and it is difficult. Good and exciting, but also just plain difficult. I've had 3 realizations in the last week and I'll just list them out below.
 
1) There is no way in hell I could be in school while having young children. I would go batshit crazy. I'm not sure what universe I thought I lived in, but it wasn't a real one. Now that I am back in school, I love it, but I also could not do it with babies. Any further educational dreams will simply have to wait until later in life.
 
2) I have an ideal birth order and number of children. Unfortunately, that is the absolute most impossible thing to control in life. But I'm still going to pray and ask the Lord for this order and number of kids. I would just be absolutely tickled to death if I had a boy first and then twin girls. I know this is absolute madness, but it makes my heart absolutely sing to think about having that family. I would name the boy W. C. and he would be just like Trey. The twin girls would be named V. A. and F. E. They would be just like Ruthie and me, but twins. All three children have a virtue name and a family name. Just thinking about this dream makes me dizzy. I don't think I've ever been so excited about the possibility of having children as thinking about these three mythological children makes me.
 
3) Negotiating work while planning to have kids is really really hard. In fact, everything I've ever heard about it all of the sudden feels very real. It is true women can't have it all. We don't live in a reality where working and mothering go hand in hand.