Monday, January 23, 2017
At Home, Cambridge, Massachusetts
Two years ago I realized I was living in fear and anxiety. I was thirty years old and terrified of having kids. I knew for certain that I did want to have had them in my lifetime; but thinking about getting pregnant gave me feelings of sheer panic.
It was hard for me to articulate my feelings. There were too many of them to "get out" in a single conversation, in a single prayer. So I started writing. This was a personal project. A spiritual project. A difficult project. But one that has brought me to where I am today.
In less than one hundred days I am due to give birth to my first child, a daughter. I can feel her move every day and her punches, kicks, and stretches give me great and deep joy. These days, she and her future weigh more and more on my mind as I write. I hope that one day when she too feels the anxiety of lurking motherhood, she will know that she is not odd for having such fears. They were shared with her by her own mother.
Recently, I let my husband read through this entire journal. One of his comments was that if he did not know me as well as he does, he isn't sure he would be believe me when I recently wrote that I feel less anxious after two years of writing than I did at the beginning of the project. Sigh. The reality is that this project has not made me more holy. In more ways than I like to admit I am still the same person I was when I started writing. But through this project, I can say that I have seen Jesus more than I did two years ago. And isn't that how sanctification so often looks? Our particular brokenness continues to reverberate throughout the years of our lives, but our vision of Jesus grows clearer and stronger.
This project is not yet complete. In a literal sense, I have not stopped writing it. I'll be posting entries here daily, but the final entry hasn't yet been written. That one (Lord willing) will happen when I've welcomed our little girl into the world. But in another sense, this project will be ongoing for many, many years to come. The project of seeking to see and identify my brokenness concerning motherhood will be decades long. God's project of redeeming what lies within my heart will perhaps continue even longer.
"For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known." 1 Corinthians 13:12
1/24/2017 07:12:55 pm
I know the feeling, or at least I know one like it! Thank you for sharing your writing. Solidarity might not be curative, but it certainly feels nice!
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About the Project
This is a very personal project. It tracks my growth and development as I journeyed toward motherhood over the recent years. It doesn't document every experience I had, and probably neglects my more joyful and peaceful moments in the frenzy of trying to communicate my fears, anxieties, and doubts. If you are a friend or loved one, please do not let anything you read here overshadow what you know of me personally. If you are a stranger, please remember that a living and flawed person stands behind these words. To all my guests here, please understand these are not political statements and try to extend me grace, even as I share my failures and foibles - I have repented of much of what I share. I don't share this journal as an exemplar, but rather out of the desire to share my hope that entrance to motherhood does not need to be a fearful thing - despite the very real fears I have fought against. Motherhood is simply a part of life and one through which I am discovering more of myself and my God.