At Home, Arlington, Massachusetts
There is so much to fear in life. Or rather, so much my brain tries to tell me I should fear. I don't necessarily think I feel anxious all the time, but I know I must, because my brain is constantly going over and over all of the things that I want to change or think should be different or am concerned about.
I feel like there is so much that is telling me I should be anxious about whether my baby is still alive or not. Maybe I've done something or eaten something that was harmful. So many other people I know aren't making announcements until much later in the pregnancy – did I announce too early? Will I reap the consequences? Sometimes my body just aches in weird ways and I wonder if something is going wrong. I don't generally feel anxious, but sometimes I feel like I should be anxious and then I am.
On Saturday I was driving home and I felt this really funny sensation in my left side. It was a feeling I don’t remember having before. It kind of felt like gas or when your muscles ripple from cramping up. But it also wasn't quite the same. It went on for a minute or so. I didn't think much of it, but at church yesterday someone asked me if I've felt the baby move, and it came to mind. I told her about it and she seems to think it was the baby. If so, it would be wonderful. I keep wanting to feel it again – then I would know it was the baby. If I could start feeling it, maybe then I wouldn’t worry as much about whether it's still alive or not. I'm sure that doesn't mean I wouldn't worry. I always seem to find something to worry about. But maybe at least my worry for my baby would subside a bit.
About the Project
This is a very personal project. It tracks my growth and development as I journeyed toward motherhood over the recent years. It doesn't document every experience I had, and probably neglects my more joyful and peaceful moments in the frenzy of trying to communicate my fears, anxieties, and doubts. If you are a friend or loved one, please do not let anything you read here overshadow what you know of me personally. If you are a stranger, please remember that a living and flawed person stands behind these words. To all my guests here, please understand these are not political statements and try to extend me grace, even as I share my failures and foibles - I have repented of much of what I share. I don't share this journal as an exemplar, but rather out of the desire to share my hope that entrance to motherhood does not need to be a fearful thing - despite the very real fears I have fought against. Motherhood is simply a part of life and one through which I am discovering more of myself and my God.