At Home, Arlington, Massachusetts
Last week we had our first sonogram. It was amazing. First off, there's only one in there, which is good. I was feeling so sick that I had half convinced myself I was having twins. We could see the baby's heartbeat on the screen and at one point, the baby moved. Otherwise he sat pretty still.
I've been having a difficult time not feeling anxious. This is the period in which a friend had her miscarriage, and even though I know everyone is different and all of my sickness is only a good sign, it's still hard not to worry. We have another appointment in two weeks – it's a Downs screening and we'll have a super high tech ultrasound. I feel like I just have to get to that appointment and then we're probably pretty good to go. But it's hard to not worry.
I haven't been feeling as sick over the weekend (even though I still threw up on Saturday night like clockwork), and even though I absolutely know it's not the reason, I find myself worrying that I'm feeling less sick because I've miscarried. The really stupid thing is that I keep thinking, "I don't want to miscarry because then I'd have to start over with all of this sickness!" As if by being so sick I'm due a healthy baby. I'm not of course, but man, it is the most demoralizing thought to think that I could be so sick for so long with no results and then have to start over with all of the sickness all over again with no guarantees of success.
And this, this, is where I start to see the depths of my self-focus. I struggle to remember to pray for my baby because I am so focused on praying for myself to feel better. And I don't want to miscarry because I don't want to have to endure another first trimester without a baby. I don't think these feelings and desires are bad in and of themselves; it's ok for me to want to feel better and it's ok to recognize that a fruitless morning sickness would really suck. But at the same time, this is a new life we are talking about and all I can think of is myself.
Oh Jesus, please rework my soul.
About the Project
This is a very personal project. It tracks my growth and development as I journeyed toward motherhood over the recent years. It doesn't document every experience I had, and probably neglects my more joyful and peaceful moments in the frenzy of trying to communicate my fears, anxieties, and doubts. If you are a friend or loved one, please do not let anything you read here overshadow what you know of me personally. If you are a stranger, please remember that a living and flawed person stands behind these words. To all my guests here, please understand these are not political statements and try to extend me grace, even as I share my failures and foibles - I have repented of much of what I share. I don't share this journal as an exemplar, but rather out of the desire to share my hope that entrance to motherhood does not need to be a fearful thing - despite the very real fears I have fought against. Motherhood is simply a part of life and one through which I am discovering more of myself and my God.