At Home, Arlington, Massachusetts
I so want to be a more joyful person. I have struggled deeply with joy this week, and I must confess that I have failed. And for no reason at all. My life is exceptionally good right now. I'm excelling in my CELTA course. I received a scholarship at Gordon-Conwell. My husband has cooked breakfast for me every morning. I just went shopping for the afternoon and bought us clothing we probably don't actually need. My church preaches the gospel and I have friends who want to spend time with me. And yet, I haven't had such a difficult and miserable week in years. The main culprit was exhaustion. I'm halfway through this CELTA course and it's felt like being in finals for two weeks. There is a real reason why joy has been challenging this past week. But I want, want, want to be a joyful person even when life is stressful, even when I am exhausted. I want to be able to have and display joy to my future children when they've kept me up all night and I'm exhausted. If I can't be joyful now when I'm tired, how can I ever hope to be so when the craziness goes through the roof? I need to pray and I need to ask God to work in my heart now, this moment, this week, transforming me into a bearer a joy now, not later, when it will be even harder.
About the Project
This is a very personal project. It tracks my growth and development as I journeyed toward motherhood over the recent years. It doesn't document every experience I had, and probably neglects my more joyful and peaceful moments in the frenzy of trying to communicate my fears, anxieties, and doubts. If you are a friend or loved one, please do not let anything you read here overshadow what you know of me personally. If you are a stranger, please remember that a living and flawed person stands behind these words. To all my guests here, please understand these are not political statements and try to extend me grace, even as I share my failures and foibles - I have repented of much of what I share. I don't share this journal as an exemplar, but rather out of the desire to share my hope that entrance to motherhood does not need to be a fearful thing - despite the very real fears I have fought against. Motherhood is simply a part of life and one through which I am discovering more of myself and my God.