Carved to Adorn
  • Home
  • Hannah
  • The Motherhood Project
  • Ruthie
  • Bio
  • Explained

​Thursday, October 13, 2016

3/13/2017

0 Comments

 
At Home, Arlington, Massachusetts
 
Oh my goodness. I'm having an emotional meltdown and I'm not even really sure why. I was writing Dr. G an email to tell him that I won't be at the conference and that I won't be applying to grad schools this fall due to being pregnant, and I just started weeping. I'm sure a lot of it is hormones, but a lot of it was just the feeling of cementing the reality that I will not be doing a PhD any time soon. I know if God wants me to do it later in life it will happen, but I just feel so much in my prime right now and it really feels like it's all just going to be wasted. I have so many ideas and so much academic energy and I look ahead to ten years of wasting it all on jobs I’m not sure I like. If I could drop all of my other jobs and we had enough money or free housing or free childcare or something, I would do it. But that is such a pipe dream. We aren't trust-fund babies, and we don't have anyone who believes in our work enough to fund it fully. So we make due. And it's all ok. Really. I just have to mourn it for a while, that's all.
0 Comments



Leave a Reply.

    About the Project

    This is a very personal project. It tracks my growth and development as I journeyed toward motherhood over the recent years. It doesn't document every experience I had, and probably neglects my more joyful and peaceful moments in the frenzy of trying to communicate my fears, anxieties, and doubts. If you are a friend or loved one, please do not let anything you read here overshadow what you know of me personally. If you are a stranger, please remember that a living and flawed person stands behind these words. To all my guests here, please understand these are not political statements and try to extend me grace, even as I share my failures and foibles - I have repented of much of what I share. I don't share this journal as an exemplar, but rather out of the desire to share my hope that entrance to motherhood does not need to be a fearful thing - despite the very real fears I have fought against. Motherhood is simply a part of life and one through which I am discovering more of myself and my God.

    If you are just finding this for the first time, I humbly suggest you start from the beginning. 

    Archives

    May 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017

    Categories

    All
    30s
    Aging
    Birth
    Birth Control
    Change
    Childhood
    Children
    Community
    Creation
    Dad
    Design
    Dreams
    Epilogue
    Fear
    Film
    Friendship
    Grace
    Grief
    Hope
    Introduction
    Jealousy
    Joy
    Judgement
    Letting Go
    Literature
    Love
    Marriage
    Memories
    Mom
    Motherhood
    Music
    My Husband
    Nannies
    Prayer
    Pregnancy
    Pregnancy Test
    Promises
    Repentance
    Resolutions
    School
    Scripture
    Sex
    Suffering
    The Female Body
    Travel
    Work

Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.
  • Home
  • Hannah
  • The Motherhood Project
  • Ruthie
  • Bio
  • Explained