Thursday, September 8, 2016
At Home, Arlington, Massachusetts
Yesterday I had my first doctor’s appointment. I hate doctors and doctors’ offices, so when I first arrived I was quite suspicious. I don't like it when I feel like a doctor is looking down on me. Thankfully the nurse I saw was great. She was very upbeat and assertive, but not in a domineering way. And not fake. Trey said she did a lot of "girl talk" but I didn't pick up on it. I sat there and felt like she was my lifeline in all of this chaos. Pretty much all she did was tell me that everything I'm experiencing is completely normal, but it was what I needed.
I am working on feeling grateful even throughout how sick I've been. Yesterday I came home from the doctors and completely crashed. I couldn't do anything – truly. Last night I threw up everything in my stomach. But apart from all of that, I find myself remembering how remarkable it is that I have been able to get pregnant pretty much right away. The first month I charted (and it was an incredibly bad attempt at it!), I conceived.
I'm 32, I have numerous friends who have not been able to conceive, and many more friends who had to work at it for a couple of months, and here I am pregnant right off the bat. It definitely wasn't perfect timing. I was really counting on having to try for a couple of months - but it is such a good reminder that other people's advice is just that – other people's. People tend to view their own experiences as authoritative and because of it, I've lived for years in fear and anxiety due to certain people's skepticism about my ability to have children starting this late. But this has been one big reminder that everyone is there own – my story is my own and I will find out along the way what I am and am not capable of. I can hear what other people say, but I don't need to listen.
I am so incredibly thankful to the Lord for this gift. Because that is what it is. It's bad timing and it's physical hell, but it is a precious, precious gift from him. He gave it to me and so I celebrate it and lay my anxiety to rest.
I never thought there would be a day I missed my period. But morning sickness has made me miss my period.
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About the Project
This is a very personal project. It tracks my growth and development as I journeyed toward motherhood over the recent years. It doesn't document every experience I had, and probably neglects my more joyful and peaceful moments in the frenzy of trying to communicate my fears, anxieties, and doubts. If you are a friend or loved one, please do not let anything you read here overshadow what you know of me personally. If you are a stranger, please remember that a living and flawed person stands behind these words. To all my guests here, please understand these are not political statements and try to extend me grace, even as I share my failures and foibles - I have repented of much of what I share. I don't share this journal as an exemplar, but rather out of the desire to share my hope that entrance to motherhood does not need to be a fearful thing - despite the very real fears I have fought against. Motherhood is simply a part of life and one through which I am discovering more of myself and my God.