At Home, Arlington, Massachusetts
I worked a lot on my thesis today. First day working on it! I finished the sections of Ann Judson's memoir I need to read and then got about halfway through Harriet Newell's. I think Harriet is my new hero. There is so much about her that is ridiculous, but only in the most human of ways. I feel like her type of ridiculousness is so much of my ridiculousness - over seriousness about things that do truly matter, but that maybe in the light of eternity could become a little more flippant. It does amaze me though how much studying the saints throughout the broad swath of time my degree covers has shown me the degree to which all people who love the Lord reflect similar traits. They all seem to have very deep longings in life.
Studying these women, and studying in general, makes my soul happy. It is hard - truly the work is difficult. But I like it. I feel very open to whatever the Lord has for me. If he gives me children, I excitedly look forward to it. If he withholds children from me, I think there are enough things I believe in doing to give me a full life.
About the Project
This is a very personal project. It tracks my growth and development as I journeyed toward motherhood over the recent years. It doesn't document every experience I had, and probably neglects my more joyful and peaceful moments in the frenzy of trying to communicate my fears, anxieties, and doubts. If you are a friend or loved one, please do not let anything you read here overshadow what you know of me personally. If you are a stranger, please remember that a living and flawed person stands behind these words. To all my guests here, please understand these are not political statements and try to extend me grace, even as I share my failures and foibles - I have repented of much of what I share. I don't share this journal as an exemplar, but rather out of the desire to share my hope that entrance to motherhood does not need to be a fearful thing - despite the very real fears I have fought against. Motherhood is simply a part of life and one through which I am discovering more of myself and my God.