At Home, Arlington, Massachusetts
There is so much to fear in life. Or rather, so much my brain tries to tell me I should fear. I don't necessarily think I feel anxious all the time, but I know I must, because my brain is constantly going over and over all of the things that I want to change or think should be different or am concerned about. I feel like there is so much that is telling me I should be anxious about whether my baby is still alive or not. Maybe I've done something or eaten something that was harmful. So many other people I know aren't making announcements until much later in the pregnancy – did I announce too early? Will I reap the consequences? Sometimes my body just aches in weird ways and I wonder if something is going wrong. I don't generally feel anxious, but sometimes I feel like I should be anxious and then I am. On Saturday I was driving home and I felt this really funny sensation in my left side. It was a feeling I don’t remember having before. It kind of felt like gas or when your muscles ripple from cramping up. But it also wasn't quite the same. It went on for a minute or so. I didn't think much of it, but at church yesterday someone asked me if I've felt the baby move, and it came to mind. I told her about it and she seems to think it was the baby. If so, it would be wonderful. I keep wanting to feel it again – then I would know it was the baby. If I could start feeling it, maybe then I wouldn’t worry as much about whether it's still alive or not. I'm sure that doesn't mean I wouldn't worry. I always seem to find something to worry about. But maybe at least my worry for my baby would subside a bit.
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At Home, Arlington, Massachusetts
Last night I dreamt many dreams about my baby. I can't remember them all, but I remember the ones shortly before I woke up. The baby needed its diaper changed and Trey was trying to do so; however, the baby kept pooping while Trey was cleaning its butt and he couldn't figure out what to do. I had to jump in and take over. Afterwards, I started feeding the baby and I dreamt about how it will feel to have a baby sucking on my breast. In my dream it was a good experience. I also thought about the baby's name in my dream. I called her “V” and was very satisfied with it. After waking up, I felt even more certain that I do truly like the name. At Home, Arlington, Massachusetts
Today we had our downs syndrome screening. It was amazing. We'll get our results back in a few days, but the technician said everything looked pretty good. But the ultrasound was incredibly. Absolutely stunning. It was on a huge screen and the little bug was moving around a ton. Like all over the place. We saw the legs, toes, arms, and fingers move around, crossing and uncrossing, waving and touching its face. There was fluid in its stomach, two brain hemispheres, and it liked to flip around a lot. In fact the technician had quite a challenging time getting the baby to do what she wanted it to do. She needed to get it in profile and kept having me cough to prod it into flipping. It would start to flip and then decide it wanted to go back the way it liked. Eventually she got it how she needed it, but it was quite funny. It was so incredibly beautiful. It has the most perfect little nose. Trey seemed quite taken aback by it all. I don't think he realized how much the baby could move at this point or how active it could be. It was pretty fun to watch it all really hit home for him. Thank you, Lord, for a good appointment. Thank you from the bottom of my heart that we have made it this far, that we are safe in our second trimester. You are still growing our baby and we praise you for it. Dr. G replied very kindly to my email today. He was very excited to hear that we are expecting and very much looks forward to our plans for the future. I still have some mourning to do over these life changes, but it is a good kind of mourning and I am thankful for people like Dr. G who know how to give encouraging words in the midst of it. I feel really sick again tonight for some reason. No idea why and quite frustrated, but at least things are generally subsiding. Oh, body, please be my friend. At Home, Arlington, Massachusetts
Oh my goodness. I'm having an emotional meltdown and I'm not even really sure why. I was writing Dr. G an email to tell him that I won't be at the conference and that I won't be applying to grad schools this fall due to being pregnant, and I just started weeping. I'm sure a lot of it is hormones, but a lot of it was just the feeling of cementing the reality that I will not be doing a PhD any time soon. I know if God wants me to do it later in life it will happen, but I just feel so much in my prime right now and it really feels like it's all just going to be wasted. I have so many ideas and so much academic energy and I look ahead to ten years of wasting it all on jobs I’m not sure I like. If I could drop all of my other jobs and we had enough money or free housing or free childcare or something, I would do it. But that is such a pipe dream. We aren't trust-fund babies, and we don't have anyone who believes in our work enough to fund it fully. So we make due. And it's all ok. Really. I just have to mourn it for a while, that's all. At Home, Arlington, Massachusetts
I am feeling so anxious about my baby these days. We hit twelve weeks yesterday, which is great, and of course there are no signs whatsoever of miscarriage, but I still worry that something has gone wrong and we'll find out at our next appointment. Thankfully, we have a sonogram on Friday, so we will find out if everything is ok then. But it's still so scary, not knowing anything about how your baby is forming. Is he or she ok? Does she have all of her or his pieces? Is he healthy? I have to keep myself from thinking about these questions too much because they can totally drive me crazy. I just have to trust the Lord and pray. Thankfully, Trey and I finally had sex last night. I've been so sick that it had been about three weeks since we last had sex. I still didn't feel great last night, but wow, did it feel good to have sex. At Home, Arlington, Massachusetts
I pooped today. I truly feel God's eyes upon me. At Home, Arlington, Massachusetts
Please, Jesus, please let me poop. I haven't pooped in 3 days and I feel like shit is taking over my entire body. This body belongs to you. You own it. Please let me poop. I hate being pregnant. At Home, Arlington, Massachusetts
I am no superwoman. That much is clear. I had a really great week this past week (relatively). In fact it was so good I took a long walk yesterday to get a decaf vanilla latte and a scone from Kickstand. Turns out that was a horrible idea. By the time I got home I felt terrible, and I have continued to feel terrible throughout today. I slept almost the entire day, only stopping my intermittent napping around 3pm. Then tonight I barfed up the entire contents of my stomach. Everything feels like shit. It is still so hard to remember to pray for the little one. Mostly because I am barely holding it together myself. Already, I see my innate selfishness being challenged. I need and want to be praying for this little one, but all my mind is occupied with is simply keeping myself upright instead of doubled over. The complicated and eternal conflict between the mother and the child's needs starts immediately. Jesus, I need you so desperately. I need you to sustain me physically – especially in times like this when I can still smell my vomit in my nostrils despite washing, brushing, and gargling. I need you to keep me from withdrawing into myself, nursing my selfishness when everything hurts so much. I need you to be my joy and my comfort. I need you to remind me to keep my eyes on you, remembering that even now, when everything about my body discomforts and consumes me, my hope is not in the arrival of the second trimester, but it remains, as it always has been, in hiding my life in your hands, receiving the strong spiritual support and succor from you that you promise. You are how I can make it through this period – not the right foods, medicines, or routines. So I call on you, now – please support and sustain me. Please comfort this one small body of mine that persists in reminding me of my weakness. Please encourage my heart and give me hope. Please be my God tonight and through coming weeks. Amen. At Home, Arlington, Massachusetts
Last week we had our first sonogram. It was amazing. First off, there's only one in there, which is good. I was feeling so sick that I had half convinced myself I was having twins. We could see the baby's heartbeat on the screen and at one point, the baby moved. Otherwise he sat pretty still. I've been having a difficult time not feeling anxious. This is the period in which a friend had her miscarriage, and even though I know everyone is different and all of my sickness is only a good sign, it's still hard not to worry. We have another appointment in two weeks – it's a Downs screening and we'll have a super high tech ultrasound. I feel like I just have to get to that appointment and then we're probably pretty good to go. But it's hard to not worry. I haven't been feeling as sick over the weekend (even though I still threw up on Saturday night like clockwork), and even though I absolutely know it's not the reason, I find myself worrying that I'm feeling less sick because I've miscarried. The really stupid thing is that I keep thinking, "I don't want to miscarry because then I'd have to start over with all of this sickness!" As if by being so sick I'm due a healthy baby. I'm not of course, but man, it is the most demoralizing thought to think that I could be so sick for so long with no results and then have to start over with all of the sickness all over again with no guarantees of success. And this, this, is where I start to see the depths of my self-focus. I struggle to remember to pray for my baby because I am so focused on praying for myself to feel better. And I don't want to miscarry because I don't want to have to endure another first trimester without a baby. I don't think these feelings and desires are bad in and of themselves; it's ok for me to want to feel better and it's ok to recognize that a fruitless morning sickness would really suck. But at the same time, this is a new life we are talking about and all I can think of is myself. Oh Jesus, please rework my soul. At Home, Arlington, Massachusetts
Oh my gosh. Why haven't I been praying for this kid every day? All I can think about is how sick I feel and I haven't started praying for this child. Lord God, this may be a relatively small and insignificant thing, but it is significant in my life and is in Trey's life. Lord, tonight I ask that you would bless our child with a different stomach than his father and mother have. Lord, I pray for a physically resilient digestive system for our little baby, because not having good stomachs has brought so much ridiculous grief to Trey and myself and I just really, really do not want our child to inherit how terrible our stomachs are. Lord, as you knit together this little one, please bless him with digestive health and vigor. Please. Amen. |
About the ProjectThis is a very personal project. It tracks my growth and development as I journeyed toward motherhood over the recent years. It doesn't document every experience I had, and probably neglects my more joyful and peaceful moments in the frenzy of trying to communicate my fears, anxieties, and doubts. If you are a friend or loved one, please do not let anything you read here overshadow what you know of me personally. If you are a stranger, please remember that a living and flawed person stands behind these words. To all my guests here, please understand these are not political statements and try to extend me grace, even as I share my failures and foibles - I have repented of much of what I share. I don't share this journal as an exemplar, but rather out of the desire to share my hope that entrance to motherhood does not need to be a fearful thing - despite the very real fears I have fought against. Motherhood is simply a part of life and one through which I am discovering more of myself and my God. Archives
May 2017
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